Facebook will, and probably already has, consumed us all. You can say I’m wrong all you want, but deep down, you know it. There is not ANYONE that doesn’t know somebody with Facebook, at the very least. Men no longer ask women whose bean field they want to plough for their number, but for their full name instead. We no longer have to go outside to experience the full idiocy of mankind, but can easily do so by staring numbly at a screen. Instead of kicking people’s shins (A common hobby), we give them a virtual poke (Which is sadly also a common hobby). And I for one, will not stand by as our generation becomes desk-dwelling, screen staring, internet enthusiasts. That’s my job.
I’m fed up with going on Facebook, thinking something interesting somewhere might of happened, but to my dismay/sick twisted glee, no one has anything going on in their life that any other sane person could care about. According to Facebook anyway. I noticed a while ago the huge joining group or becoming a fan trend that’s going on, and that’s when I realized that all my friends have an IQ or mental age of 5. Oh are you part of the group ‘I wish every time someone retarded was born I got a nickel’? And you’re a fan of ‘Having your eyes stabbed out because you truly deserve it’? Well guess what? I’m fan of ‘EVERY FAN AND GROUP MEMBER IS A PRETENTIOUS CUNT’. I despise every moment of intelligence destroying ‘facebooking’ (yes, it’s become a verb), and yet, I can’t bring myself to delete my own. It’s actually become MORE than socially unacceptable to remove yourself from Facebook’s presence. It’s as if the Facebook police will send me to their Facebook-esque rehab center for Facebook ne’er-do-wellers. A magical place where you learn to truly love and appreciate the miracle that is Facebook/get force-fed metaphorical bollocks. You know what scares me? That’ll probably happen (the rehab center, not me being force-fed testicles).
Let’s say tomorrow the owners of Facebook get bored of their multi-million corporation and think ‘Ya know what, why don’t we just take over the world in an evil and malicious fashion?’ As the other board members ponder this, nodding their heads dully and stroking their gold encrusted goatees, they come to a unanimous decision that yes, the company would indeed do better if it owned the whole world. So they post a notification on Facebook to everyone saying ‘If you become our loyal obedient slaves for the rest of eternity, we won’t make you pay for our over-rated service’. And while everyone’s thinking ‘WHAT? THAT’S IT? THAT’S ALL I HAVE TO DO?!’ the corporation (A.K.A The League Of Extraordinary Bell-Ends) becomes very happy in knowing they now have everyone that can afford a computer/ is significant through their eyes as their own slaves.
So we’re all screwed right? WRONG. Suddenly, Tom charges into the room with all his impossible might. Stop pretending you don’t remember Tom, you do. Tom, the Myspace man. He’s come to seek revenge on Facebook for stealing literally everyone, which had thusly resulted in him becoming a shriveled old man without any Myspace friends to stalk. Damn how I miss seeing his face on my friends list. You will be in my Top Friends forever Tom, that’s a promise. Anyway, in the true superhero fashion he beats up the bad guys (who we have now shortened to L.E.B.)and has a glorious victory. Until he realizes that assault is actually a crime and is thrown in jail, thusly ending Myspace forever.
Okay no, wait, we’re all screwed.
Lol'd at the last line.
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