So which one of you rambling cum-sodden freaks HASN’T thought of what it would be like to rule the world? None of you? Good. Because even if you had said you hadn’t, I can’t hear you, thusly making you a moron for not understanding the concept of rhetorical questions and distance. I know I’ve certainly thought about ruling the world on the odd occasion, and then got scared, confused, and mildly homicidal. As one often does. While it comforts some ego-tastic people who enjoy the good delusional power-trip, I’d rather gouge out my eyes with a fucking ladle than control the whole world. That is, unless, tyranny was an available option.
Assuming we go the typical Futurama way and say that if I ruled the world, it wouldn’t be me playing god and making everything into chocolate, but rather me being the sole heir to everything (on Futurama the world simply has one president, who, luckily, gets reduced to dust by aliens in one episode. There, you’ve finally learnt something from reading this shit. Now fuck off). But if I WAS the president, and thusly meaning a government will have been formed, I would have to please the people. And by ‘the people’ I mean every last walking shit-sack on earth. Frankly, I couldn’t care less if they exploded in a hellish firestorm, which is bound to happen sooner or later. Caring to their needs would be the last thing on my agenda, but still, mankind is capable of looking after itself (kind of), which is exactly why I need tyranny to ensure it becomes disabled…in the face. So this is how I would make it work.
My communist society, where everyone is equal other than myself, will be set in one small, incredibly cramped city. London will do well; fitting 6 billion people in there has got to be uncomfortable, if not making blisters an official pandemic. But everyone will be equally uncomfortable at least. The rest of the world will be turned into one colossal farm entirely ‘manned’ by machinery and robots with straw hats. In fact, so will the police force (minus the straw hats), the fire department, hospitals, and pretty much every community based job that isn’t behind a desk. Every human, once born, will be chained to a desk and forced to do impossible and mind-numbing tasks until they’re 80, then they’re freed and allowed to walk around society as they please (it’s a simple social experiment. By my guess they’ll either stay at the desk, go outside then realize its shit and come back, or merely explode. Basically, they’ll become me). Seeing as everyone’s tied to desks for their whole lives, the law is simple. No toilet breaks, and no talking. Social interaction and shitting are a no-go for a healthy society. Now you may be wondering what I do in this society. Well it’s pretty obvious, I’ll be doing the same as everyone else. Having turned everyone into computer-staring, desk-sitting-at, anti-social people, I’ve merely made a society of…well…me. A whole 6 billion people that do exactly what I do. For the rest of our desk-bound lives. Hoo-fucking-ra.
If I ever go into election for prime minister, don’t vote for me. You know it’s going to end badly.
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