The Less You See It, The More Horrifyingly Dangerous It Is

Forget terrorists, bad drivers and ‘THE MAN’, its official (according to me), germs are now the biggest homicidal maniacs EVER. Just one germ, as far as the media is concerned, has the ability to wipe out whole cities, by merely existing. So now just imagine it, the billions, trillions, maybe even KAGILLIONS of germs that float around us day by day, each one begging to kill you without remorse. To put it simply, imagine walking down the street, and seeing literally MILLIONS of homicidal maniacs walking around, crowding the streets. They’re buying discount carrots at Tesco, they’re pushing prams with other little homicidal darlings in, and the rest of them are flying. YES, FLYING. Just like germs, the microscopic bastards.

The whole nation, and possibly other ones, live day-in, day-out, in a state of constant subconscious horror from the possibility of the menace known as germs. No I will not take a bite out of that sandwich that you’ve already bit into. No I won’t sit on that toilet seat in case of getting bum germs. No I won’t plunge my face into that rotting cesspit of shit, heroin needles and Call Of Duty fans, etc, etc. While I really wouldn’t mind doing those things, with a possible exception for the latter, it seems everyone has a problem with EVERYTHING, SO LONG AS GERMS ARE INVOLVED.

I recently saw an advert on a train on my way to college saying ‘If you could see germs, you would be able to see how quickly flu spread’, accompanied by a picture of a woman sneezing, with a cone of green jutting from her mouth. Now I don’t mean to be pedantic (although I really do), but if you could see germs, you wouldn’t be able to see your own hands, even if you shoved them IN your eyes. Germs are about as common as atoms (though if you can see individual atoms, we have a serious problem). Even if we perform the unholy rite known as NOT WASHING OUR HANS AFTER GOING TO THE TOILET, we will immediately inflict plague, disease, and imminent death upon anyone and everyone by simply staring at them from a distance, and while I so wish I could do that, It’s the thing that will essentially doom this era. This age won’t be known as ‘The Awesome Post-Industrial Age’ or ‘The Age Of Slightly Better Technology’, but will be known as ‘The Age That Was Horrified By Mild Disease’ (after ‘The Age Of Brain-Dead TV Huggers').

But yeah, maybe I’m being a bit ignorant. This really only applies to England here. After all, the deadliest disease we can catch over here is TV (Televerculosis). In Brazil, you so much as touch another person; you get Ebola and constipation, so end up trying to shit your organs for 2 days. Really, it sounds far too much like a typical weekend…