Crack For Christmas... Woo

Damn, I am SUCH a pro with this Paint stuff...

Yeah, so our own EnglishCarBomb started us off a while ago deconstructing the ironically godless money-fest of Christmas, thought I'd add my input by talking about these chocolate prisons, these... Advent calendars. 

Advent calendars are another one of these things we've convinced ourselves are a fundamental part of Christmas despite being just another way to fuel our insatiable need for stuffing our faces with confectionary at one part of the year. The thing is, I genuinely feel bad for those who do have them. Look at it this way: chocolate is good, right? Everyone likes chocolate, apart from the morons who seem to think if they consume a morsel of the stuff they instantly become bigger than Dawn French. We also know that because of all the sugar in it, ya want one bit, ya want some more. How much do you get every day? Unless you buy two for some reason or have an American-size one, you get ONE PIECE. Ya know how painful it is to not have any more than one tiny square? It's like waking up a crackhead every winter morning and giving him three grains of precious cocaine and while he weeps and wails for a little more, you shout back at him 'NUH UH, IF YOU HAVE ANY MORE NOW, I'LL KILL ANOTHER DEALER'. And that's the thing, if you want more, you're sacrificing tomorrow's supply. 

Another flaw that chocolate has to your morning is that because it's overpoweringly awesome-tasting, Shredded Wheat is gonna taste plain as hell, and sweet stuff like Crunchy Nut or toast and jam is just gonna taste bloody weird. Oh sure, have Coco Pops. Thus defeating the idea of having an advent calendar in the first place, you've already got your damn chocolate.

Don't lie to me that you bought it to keep track of the date, you filthy liar.