It's Like They All Say, If You Censor Something Too Much, It'll Become Nothing/A Perfume Advert

Okay, I’ve been deceived, I’ll admit. When I started college, I knew I would do biology and maths, but was hard pushed for another subject, and seeing as I hate every subject ever invented it was a mere case of the lesser evil. So some smart-arse teacher came up to me and said ‘Hey why don’t you try out communications, it’s this great new subject that fuses things like sociology, media, and psychology into one super awesome subject!’ … I will never again say to someone ‘That sounds like a good idea’.

When the rare occasion arises that I actually listen in the lesson and NOT want to slit my throat, it strikes me more than ever of how censored everything is. An advert containing a black man will be labeled ‘racist’, because it’s just so stereotypical for a black man to have black skin, the filthy conformist (the adjective of ‘filth’ was not intended to be a pun on the colour). You can’t make an advert with a muslim because they’re ALL re-incarnations of Muhammad therefore cannot be shown, ever. Heck, you can’t even rip it out of the smurfs these days. Not only that, but it’s not just racial awareness they’re picking on, apparently, according to the censoring office, or whatever office that’s filled with control-freaking fuckwits, we actually listen to every advert and care about it so much we have to do whatever it says WITHOUT ANY EXCEPTION. WHAT’S THAT? I HAVE TO GO BUY A TAMPON? EVEN THOUGH I’M PROBABLY A MAN? I’LL BUY 10 JUST IN CASE.

Now we all probably remember Tony the Tiger, the over enthusiastic tiger that loves watching children swim and has somehow replaced his crack cravings with Frosties. You know, the one who always says Frosties are great? Well, USED to say, apparently that’s too ‘influential’ and ‘simply wrong’, so now he likes to proclaim Frosties are GREEEEEAAAAAT. Somehow, they’re two very different things, and fuckwit office think it’s a brilliant change and is no longer influential. Because, you know, kids don’t understand what words mean if you make them longer. Thusly why the whole ‘ Force-feed yourself SHIIIIIIIIIIIIIIT’ campaign never got anywhere.

Now that’s just the part of me that’s sympathetic to adverts, as you can tell where this is going, I’ll just go ahead and say it. Perfume adverts. Although a simple ‘what the fuck is happening’ could cover it, I should probably go further. I’ve always wondered how women picked their perfume, if all they had to go by was the adverts, the logical part of my brain would probably explode. How do you look at a girl with a seriously bad case of OCD chasing a balloon because it's the same colour as her clothing, and have ANY idea what the perfume smells like? Is there some kind of scratch and smell thing built in to the TV that I’ve never been informed about, so each time the advert comes on, women have to rapidly scramble towards the TV and scratch it like a crack addict trying to get a fix from a huge wall of salt? They could at least say in the advert about what it vaguely smells like, so long as they don’t go all Bold on my arse.

The only advert in my life I actually remember making me angry enough to throw the remote through TV was one by Bold. It started off fine, describing the washing machine crap to whoever was interested. It then said how the fluid stuff they were selling made your clothes smell like white diamond.
White.
Fucking.
Diamond.
For those who aren’t familiar, white diamond is a rock. Rocks don’t smell of anything.

Crack For Christmas... Woo

Damn, I am SUCH a pro with this Paint stuff...

Yeah, so our own EnglishCarBomb started us off a while ago deconstructing the ironically godless money-fest of Christmas, thought I'd add my input by talking about these chocolate prisons, these... Advent calendars. 

Advent calendars are another one of these things we've convinced ourselves are a fundamental part of Christmas despite being just another way to fuel our insatiable need for stuffing our faces with confectionary at one part of the year. The thing is, I genuinely feel bad for those who do have them. Look at it this way: chocolate is good, right? Everyone likes chocolate, apart from the morons who seem to think if they consume a morsel of the stuff they instantly become bigger than Dawn French. We also know that because of all the sugar in it, ya want one bit, ya want some more. How much do you get every day? Unless you buy two for some reason or have an American-size one, you get ONE PIECE. Ya know how painful it is to not have any more than one tiny square? It's like waking up a crackhead every winter morning and giving him three grains of precious cocaine and while he weeps and wails for a little more, you shout back at him 'NUH UH, IF YOU HAVE ANY MORE NOW, I'LL KILL ANOTHER DEALER'. And that's the thing, if you want more, you're sacrificing tomorrow's supply. 

Another flaw that chocolate has to your morning is that because it's overpoweringly awesome-tasting, Shredded Wheat is gonna taste plain as hell, and sweet stuff like Crunchy Nut or toast and jam is just gonna taste bloody weird. Oh sure, have Coco Pops. Thus defeating the idea of having an advent calendar in the first place, you've already got your damn chocolate.

Don't lie to me that you bought it to keep track of the date, you filthy liar. 

Conspiracy Is The Greatest Conspiracy Of Them All. Excluding Crop Circles.

Seriously, what isn’t a conspiracy? 9/11 was caused by jealous flying towers, J.F.Kennedy was actually killed by a homicidal clown on a unicycle, and Hitler was a re-incarnation of the only bad person anyone can remember in the history of forever…HIMSELF. People seem to have this crazy need to believe in some kind of ridiculous alternate reality, because obviously, the government, the media, and everyone around them is lying their stupid faces off (although I don’t blame them, seeing how real life is so immensely boring). Personally, I don’t believe in almost ANY conspiracies, and even if some of them were right, would I actually care? (The answer is no).

Now to those who know me, they might be familiar with me saying “gays are a conspiracy made by the government, who are a conspiracy made by aliens, who are a conspiracy made by gays.” I would like to make it clear before you point out my hypocritical ways, I have very serious evidence to support this. So much evidence, that you may as well label it fact right here and now (there’s probably some secret society somewhere that does that).

‘Gays’, are merely people paid by the government to go to parties, raves, etc, to dress as vibrantly and as feminine as possible, and to talk like they have man-vegetables shoved in their nose. Now you’re probably wondering why on earth the government would pay people to do this? Well it’s simple. To prove to people they’ll tolerate whatever bullshit is thrown at them, BECAUSE THAT’S ALL WE WANT IN A GOVERNMENT REALLY, ISN’T IT? Even in the face of an impossibly abstract and degrading concept (by which I mean gays), they still show how they let them go around shoving their man-breadsticks in other men’s man-buns (I’ll stop referring to sexual organs as food now).You ever wondered why there’s no gays in Russia? They simply don’t give a shit about tolerance. So our government, entirely to get the public on their side, pays thousands of people to essentially ruin their lives. This gives me an idea…

But wait, there’s more. The very government that pays the gays to exist, doesn’t even exist themselves. Gordon Brown? No that’s just CGI. Barack Obama? Simply a doll. With very long strings. That go all the way into space. To ALIENS no less. The aliens sit there, wondering how to manipulate mankind next, laughing their arses off they pour taxes into a large furnace, and watch with pity as we comply with their absurd rules. The little green things simply can’t get enough of us clawing at each other’s eyes because they told us to. Heck, why do you think all politicians sound so boring? Aliens just make all their voices through a Microsoft Sam-esque program (recently it had to be upgraded to add a button on the side that says – ‘BLACKENISE’).

Now them aliens, not quite all they seem to be. In actual fact, they themselves are made up by gays. Gays are evidently fed up with the constant stream of attention from the media, popular culture, and brain-dead 14 year-olds, and so invented the myth that is: ALIENS. The idea of government controlling aliens obviously excites them, in many ways, and it draws attention away from themselves, which they obviously don’t want. So the whole theory of aliens has appeased the homosexuals, and bamboozled the nation. Way to go homosexuals, you’ve truly earned this victory.

(The above statements are 100% fact and anyone that attempts to say otherwise is a filthy conspirator…bellend)