Sorry My Mistake, Children DON’T Make Funny Jokes, On A Related Note : Terrorists

The thought’s always occurred to me how terrorists aren’t actually very good at well…causing terror, but it really made me think the other day, as my college was evacuated due to a power cut and we were all ‘reluctantly’ forced out of our lessons onto a large patch of grass outside. My college isn’t exactly a big place, so the power cut affected everyone, meaning we were ALL on the patch of grass together. Now me, being the paranoid, and slightly somewhat sadistic person I am (I just don’t like people okay?), I figured that really, a terrorist could easily have planted a bomb a few feet underground, cut the power the next day, hid in a bush ‘till all the children came out onto the grass, and BOOM everyone’s dead, Mohammed is pleased with him for being a complete dick, and the media get lots of lovely coverage of splattered children and mourning relatives. Now okay, terrorism’s been going on for hundreds of years, from the KKK to the IRA, to the Al Quaeda, and heck, it happens ALL the time, just go on Wikipedia and look up terrorist attacks in 2009, there’s pages and pages of stuff. But seriously, why can’t terrorists make more INTERESTING attacks in England? These days terrorists sit around brainstorming going “Alright, alright, what if we say…put a bomb…in our shoe…then got on a plane? And blew ourselves up?” And after their previous failure being pointed out, “Oh…well we could put the bomb…in our luggage?” Seriously I could swear the Al Quaeda have a fetish for planes. Sure when they first started blowing up planes, it was a pretty good idea, and they sure got us good, but they’re like a child who made a funny joke and keeps making it because they think everyone’s going to keep laughing at it if they keep repeating it…FOREVER. Seriously, bomb a shopping centre. Bomb a school, or maybe don’t even use bombs, just get a bag full of faeces and throw it at a douche called David Blaine sitting in a glass box. That’ll show him for defying the laws of nature…bastard.

Sorry did I mention children? Yeah this is now no longer about terrorists. Though in a way, I guess it is, after all, are children not noise terrorists, if anything? The grumpy old man inside of me simply wants to maim and mutilate every 3 foot something smiling energetic cunt that comes my way. Happy dwarves simply don’t stand a chance. As a child I was never really…well…a child. Strangely mature yet immature at the same time. And maybe that’s why I hate children. Because really, I’m Miss Trunchbull, never was a child somehow, and can throw little girls over fences by their hair if they piss me off a bit...shame it’s not legal to put children in iron maidens any more.

It’s too much of a given thing for me to complain about children CRYING (laughing is equally as painful obviously), so I’ll have to say something quite contradictory. I went to Italy this summer, and as I was queuing for the toilets there was this small Italian boy in front of me. As expected, he started to cry; I rolled my eyes while the word ‘shit’ echoed through my mind. But somehow, it wasn’t infuriating. It didn’t make me want to rip my ears off and shove them down his throat. When the child cried it was like a more entertaining version of opera. It was basically like Mario had his testicles surgically lowered and farted in Bowser’s face while Luigi fed him muffins (Italian ones), ALL AT THE SAME TIME. Actually hang on maybe the kid was having a seizure...Oh Italian people do crack me up with their abysmal heart conditions that they probably don’t have.