Like Taking a Dump of Jelly

I get the feeling that this is somehow a really extreme product review of something barely anyone buys, but something that REALLY pissed me off recently is Hartley's Squeezy Jam. I won't call it by the official 'Smooth' name, partly because calling it 'smooth' makes as much sense as calling a brick 'obnoxious', and also because it is general so god-awful that it does not deserve its real name.

The only reason I had to use the cursed confiture was because we were out of ordinary jam, which by sod's law I SERIOUSLY felt like having, and so I saw this bottle-shaped thing hiding at the back of the fridge glaring disgustingly back at me, and reluctantly I took it. Usually my instinct would be to leave this for a few months and let another member of my family to be poisoned by it but due to my insatiable desire for jam I thought I'd try it out.

Probably the biggest food-related mistake I've had since eating pickled onions out of a jar. Firstly, the jam thought it would be utterly hilarious to piss industrially-flavoured 'raspberry' juice all over my bread which was apparently the liquid solution left at the bottom of the bottle, which instantly made my bread soaking wet , and didn't even stay on top but seeped through onto the plate. Refusing to believe it was impossible to have a simple jam sandwich, I continued and realised that the actual jam, as in thick sticky stuff with what I hope was raspberry in it, was pretty determined to stay in its plastic hellhole. After 5 minutes of extreme shaking/throwing at wall/tantrums, it began to budge out of the gaping orifice of the bottle. It defiantly shat out of a lump of dark red stodgy mess, sound effects and all, as if the bottle was taking a dump of jelly. Month-old jelly made of intestines.

After which I'm sure you can guess, it tasted like a rotting cadaver. The bread now red and soggy had a pile of what appeared to be blood-soaked fat on top, spread unevenly around and I haven't tasted something quite so bad in years. So in the end, I didn't even get my jam sandwich. It was torture to have it under my nose, let alone in my mouth. Squeezy jam wasn't squeezy, I'm pretty sure it wasn't raspberry, and looking back on it I doubt it was even jam.