I’ll admit it; I’m somewhat of a self-proclaimed Xbox fan-boy, despite my absolute hatred for the phrase. I spent most of my indescribably drab childhood on the PS2, firmly believing the Xbox was balderdash, had NO good games, and people bought it entirely because it was called the Xbox (if you’ve grown accustomed to the word, look at it more carefully), and I still believe that to this day. However when EVERYONE bought a 360 when the PS3 hadn’t even been released, I figured it was time to let go of my Sony roots and head for something more…wholesome. Which I honestly have been thinking it was for a long time now. (Before I jump aboard the ‘But…’-wagon that you know I’m about to, let me just point something out. I do NOT hate PS3s. I feel the games on it aren’t leaned towards my tastes and that I don’t have enough spare money to buy the console unfortunately. ) BUT…
Microsoft has turned pure evil. Either that or I’ve paid them enough tax (yes, child tax) to keep them off my oh-so sweaty back. The fact that they’re money loving shit-stalkers has been sneaking up on me like a steroid-addicted ninja recently, but it really occurred to me the other day how malevolent they are, when I was fiddling with my 360 profile (it was one hell of an exciting afternoon) and I tried to change my motto to ‘Arsetrolleys & Twatnuggets’. Apparently, not only am I not allowed to have that long a motto, but the word ‘twat’ has become illegal in the virtual world. So, strike one, Microsoft has taken my free speech. Again. After then changing my motto to ‘Coques & Arsetrolleys’ and luckily saving the devastation of the minds of children worldwide, I went on the game ‘Mass Effect 2’, which anyone who’s paid attention to gaming at all will of heard of (my apologies to those that haven’t paid attention). Upon entering the main menu, it starts saying to me ‘There’s new content available! Get this really awesome suit of AMAZING FUCKING KICK ASS ARMOUR, OTHERWISE THE GAME ISN’T REALLY WORTH PLAYING’. So after looking at this for a while, I open the little menu that gives the option to download this suit of armour. Oh look. It costs money. Last time I recall I had ALREADY bought the game. So now the future of gaming is, you buy the disc of the game for 35 quid, and then buy all the content for the game online for a measly 50 quid. I can’t wait to grow out of games.
So strike two, Microsoft are stealing my money. While I feel I only really need 2 (if not 1) strikes, I also feel a bit incomplete without a third (I don’t have OCD, shut up), so I would either make it that they’re the people who made Halo 3, or that they’re jealous pricks.
So just picture it, it’s a Microsoft conference, and they’re all sitting around brainstorming ideas about how to take people’s money. One dude blurts out ‘hey we could not charge the public for small necessary things and gain more sales?’ At this point he is fired and mysteriously flattened by a piano (shit happens). Then another guy says ‘what’s that console that Nintendo made…that one that’s selling disturbingly well and provides novelty to families for 10 minutes before becoming a dust-collector?’, the bastard that took over Ol’ Bill then tells him it’s the hilariously named Wii, and the guy continues, ‘well, we could make one of those, but make it without a controller…and with facial and voice recognition, and with a movement sensor, and a dignity loss indicator, to tell you how much dignity you’ll lose while playing on it’, at this the bastard goes ‘GREAT IDEA WE’LL SPEND BILLIONS OF POUNDS MAKING A PIECE OF SHIT’. Not buying the Natal (the name of this infernal contraption) is going to be fun.
So there you have it, undeniable proof that Microsoft is indeed, pure evil. To be honest, I’m surprised this hasn’t all been deleted, what with me using Microsoft Word and all that. It’s just a shame that I’m not going to stop using my Xbox 360. I’m not going to stop using Windows XP. I’m not going to stop letting Microsoft steal every last penny I have. Because it’s either them, or Apple.
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