It’s gotten to the extent that it takes 2 extremely angry potheads to shout at me in order for me to get inspiration these days, which somehow (don’t question it) leads me to the subject of phones. Or phones of the mobile kind, to be more precise. I’ve never been a massive phone fan myself, possibly due to the first phone I ever owned EXPLODING IN MY GODDAMN HAND, or maybe even due to my phone contact list consisting of my mum. And only my mum. But mainly my hatred for the mobile-communication devices has stemmed from the need to talk to OTHER people. Seriously. What is that shit.
Back in the good ol’ days (to my knowledge) people used to just ride to other people’s houses in huge fuck-off horses coated in huge fuck-off armour, wielding huge fuck-off swords and delivering huge fuck-off letters. And that was just what one did back in huge fuck-off land. But NOW, bloody NOW, we have to ‘keep in touch with people’ instead of sobbing into a corner covered in hay every day and night. And I fucking LOVE that corner. At any second of the day, some random person or one of my various totally-real-and-not-made-up friends could ring me, demanding my presence or, even worse, casual conversation, and let’s face it, no one likes that shit.
So why do I even have a phone if I hate them that much you probably don’t ask? Well, to answer that question which you couldn’t give 2 shits and half a monkey about, it’s because I’m impossibly lazy, to the point where it’s actually beyond insulting. As much as I’d love to travel 40 miles on a bear or something (sorry, horses are SO 14th century), carrying a sword and wearing armor, JUST to deliver a trivial letter to someone I don’t really care about, not only is half of that ridiculously illegal, but also I’d much rather just shove my poor disease-ridden thumbs around on a phone’s numeral slate to say exactly the same thing.
And what’s worse than having a phone? Having a phone so expensive it makes Bill Gates turn in his soon-to-be gold encrusted grave (I don’t know any famous dead rich people, alright?). IPhones. Blackberries. IBerries, whatever, I’ve never understood why someone would pay that much for socializing across vast distances. And why is it so expensive? Because companies take the concept of the phone and think ‘hmmm, what useless item can we add to this that will make it cost a kagillion pounds’. Cameras, weight unit converter, bloody MOTION DETECTION, you name it; they’ve put that shit in a phone. Now I don’t know about you, but that stuff is beyond useless, and any tool on earth that buys it should be gruesomely and painfully put down.
...Not that...you know...I would buy a phone with any of that stuff on it...*cough*
