Seriously, fuck camping. It’s not the general filth that gets me, it’s not the impossibly un-comfortable nights or the whole ‘tents are shit’ thing, it’s more the campsite. Last weekend I went camping with my extended family from my dad’s side, 14 people in total, and seeing as how they’re all from Brazil/New Zealand, it was a fairly confusing weekend, made even more confusing when a naked toddler strolls past my cousin. It then gets even more confusing when said cousin then picks up the toddler and nonchalantly places the toddler in his conveniently child-shaped bag. Although that last part didn’t happen, there WAS a naked toddler and it didn’t seem to realize it was standing directly in the middle of us. You know that awkward moment when there’s a precise place you can’t look and so try to look anywhere but that place? Well we all had that. All 14 of us. And it was right in our faces. Anyway after a while the parent EVENTUALLY turns up to take away the little naked demon child-thing, I look back to find my cousin staring at the toddler’s smooth, round, succulent bottom, his mouth frothing violently, his hands shaking vigorously in his trousers, his face slowly becoming a vivid crimson red. Okay I made that up too, my cousin is NOT a pedophile. Yet.
Still, how the fuck did that toddler get there? I mean we’re an isolated camp, a one man tent-army if you will, an impenetrable fortress of campitude even. We also happened to be surrounded by a lot more of those it seems. Because we’re not allowed to camp anywhere. We’re not allowed to just set up camp and burn whole forests to the ground, seeing as THE MAN likes the environment, we have to go to designated camp sites, teeming with…with…PEOPLE. It’s no longer a ‘Me against the wild’ affair; it’s a ‘Me against lots of other angry campers’ deal. Well, at least that means I get good facilities.
WROOOOOOOONG. I took a visit to the worst toilet in all of wherever-the-hell-I-was, and it wasn’t a place I was going to stay for long/at all. Tap water was brown. No toilet paper. Toilet covered in flies. Worst smell I have ever experienced. Not even Satan would go near that thing. So, like a dignified man, I pledged to hold it in all weekend. However, as a dignified man with over-active bowels, pledges must be broken, as must social taboos. Such as shitting in the woods. When it comes between that toilet, and a tree, I know where I’m going. Although in hindsight, I don’t think I did. Turns out, taking a massive steaming dump and leaving tissue paper covered in fecal matter scattered around on a goddamn NATURE TRAIL is somewhat disgraceful. Someone’s bound to of found it by now, causing bafflement and disgust at once in one huge twisted torrent of rage when they see the toilet 20 metres away. Well, ‘tis the circle of life my friend, the circle of life…
Okay I’m just a cunt, whatever.
