America, to be frank, is shit. Full of impossibly misguided patriotism, inter-bred rednecks, and, worst of all, fat people. I’ve been there a total of 3 times (all of which have been to Florida, so this may be a wee bit biased) and all 3 times I’ve been surrounded by fat people. I’m not talking slightly round on the edges fat, I’m talking ‘you feel over-encumbered by just looking at them’ fat. Obviously at Florida my ‘adventures’ took me to Disney World, and thusly, Sea World. On one particular roller-coaster known as Kraken, a lady got on (well, when I say ‘lady’ I mean more like monster from the deep, by which I mean she was FUCKING FAT) She tried to get into a normal seat, and as you guessed, she didn’t fit. So she (from now on to be referred to as ‘it’) was designated the mega fat seat. This is basically 2 seats glued together, and oozed degradation. It didn’t fit. It took 2 men trying to force it into the seat, using every tactic but the ol’ crowbar and butter, to ‘get it in’. After the eternal struggle, they realized they couldn’t get the safety lock down, and had to ask it to leave. The roller-coaster probably wouldn’t have gotten very far with it onboard anyway.
Now let’s get one thing straight. ‘big-boned’ does NOT exist. I swear if I have to hear ONE more excuse from a fat person I’m going to get stabby. What makes it worse is how you never hear them say ‘oh I’m fat because…’ it’s always ‘I’m not fat, I’m…’ yes, that’s right, they all STRAIGHT UP DENY IT. You could go to the people in Florida, who’re confined to a wheelchair because they’re too goddamn fat to walk (I’m not even kidding you), and ask them why they’re fat, and I guarantee you, they’d either just claim they’re ‘disabled’, or gorge on tub after tub of ice cream while tears of boiling fat roll down their disturbingly greasy faces. I don’t know if there’s fat-man syndrome, but if there is it probably consists of ridiculously huge mood-swings. They’re like huge bladders of rampant emotions, ready to piss on anyone who does next to nothing, while the people who constantly mock them remain perfectly dry.
Not only that, but to add insult to one hell of an injury, they demand to have equal rights to a man that doesn’t weigh half a tonne and consume half the world’s food recourse single-handedly. They think we should replace all stairs with lifts or ramps, or that we should all respect their feelings, or that we should present to them the food from the hands of a starving African family, so they can absorb it into their huge fat-swelling body, FOR NO APPARENT REASON. I, for one, will not stand to the nonsensical ideal that someone primarily composed of food can equate to common man, and so I say nay, nay to equal rights to ‘fat’ men, and nay to their sheer existence. Something I intend to end with my elaborately shit yet somehow brilliant (although not really) plan.
Now obviously with fat people eating a lot, they need to shit a lot, right? Well we shall make this their downfall. What we do first, is we ban private toilets (much to my dismay) and make public toilets the only ones available. Now, make REALLY thin cubicles to the point where fat people can’t actually get in them, and then make a really wide cubicle to the point where only a fat man would even dare go near it. This is where it gets deviously clever you see, we spray all the toilet seats of the wide cubicles with fucking BUM GERMS. As we all know, bum germs are a deadly disease that spreads through contact of the bum, and then proceeds to inject fat cells with tiny explosives. After a week, these explode, making anyone with bum germs explode with them. When fat people start exploding on the street, yes, a fair few people may die from bits of KFC shrapnel (dangerous stuff), but they will be remembered forever, for their magnificent sacrifice. Unlike fat people.
